Wake Up Call

This morning at 6.30am I received a text message from my client a photo of her 40- inch smart TV on the wall and a new buffet unit underneath it. Now I know you might be thinking, what the hell, but trust me this image was a metaphor for the transformational journey she is now on. It signified the possibility of change, which was not something she believed she could achieve, especially given her age and in her words, “I’m too old to change my ways”.

When I was looking at this photo, I started to ponder how this photo signified three things: (1) her change in beliefs, (2) her change in values and probably the most significant one, (3) the personal work she is doing to resign her role as a “good girl”.

You see my client was struggling to change, because the good girl inside of her wasn’t allowing her to take risks, be spontaneous, curious, resilient or to simply have fun. Her inner good girl was a people pleaser, putting other people’s need ahead of her own, she was a perfectionist as well as controlling, and she was exhausted from presenting to the world that everything was “fine”.

And I know this good girl so well, because that was me.

Good Girl

A few years ago, I was really struggling with my life. I had the dreaded three’s dump a low on me. Not loving my career, challenges with intimate relationship and struggles with some good friendships. For the first time in my life I felt I had lost control and was so angry that all that I gave to others was serving donuts in return. I was feeling vulnerable, sad and I really didn’t know where to go. And being a good girl, I kept it inside because I didn’t want anyone to know or see that I was not coping.

But as the universe does it, I met a wonderful lady in my lowest week of despair, who ended up being a life coach and soon became life changing for me.

Within our first consult, things started to turn around, and within a month my life was back on track as I had new clarity about my future, what I wanted and how I was going to attack the world to gain what I needed to feel happy.

But it was this one big thing that was the game changer for me. Accepting that it wasn’t my environment impacting me, but my inner role that guided my decisions and behaviours. My inner good girl.

And what I soon learnt, was it was my good girl mask I used to hide from the world my hurt, my sadness and my shame. It was a role I used to hide that I didn’t feel good enough, worthy to try new things or loved by myself and others. It was a role that protected me from self-doubt and negative thoughts.

During my training as a life coach, I was exposed even deeper about roles and the impact this has on self-esteem and ability to thrive at being our core selves. Through Sharon Pearson’s self-esteem coaching, I learnt that I was putting most of my energy into my “fake” self and neglected developing my true self. In fact, I learnt through Sharon’s Ultimate You training that we have three versions of ourselves in which we live – our core, our crud and our crust.

Our core is a place where our I-Amness shines. It’s a place where our ten traits of I-Amness including our ability to be curious, risk taking, spontaneous, unique, resilient, warm, playful, loving, optimistic, emotional all play out.

Our crud is a place where we hide our shame, our hurt, our fears, our self-doubt and where our negative self-talk is loudest.

Our crust is how we cover up our shame. It’s the role we play to hide our crud from the world. But this is our fake self, it’s simply a mask we wear which has made us believe this is who we really are…but we are not and we can change this.

And to go one step deeper, when we are living in our role, we also behave in a way that is not congruent to our real values or who we want to be. For example, a good girl or boy is typically a people pleaser, therefore over functioning as she/he tries to do everything for everyone. Their needs come last.

They believe their multitasking skills are superior and when they say yes, they believe people will think they are awesome. I recall when my daughter was young, and I carried the “Super Mum” title amongst my work colleagues. I thought I rocked being a working mum. When I reflect back on those days, all I remember now is an over-functioning and under functioning woman, there was no balance.

According to Virginia Satir, who is an American author and therapist well known for her work in family therapy, she believed that a within a family unit a person assumes a role, which is assigned by the tribe (ie your immediate family such as mum and dad). This role tends to be the founding role that will continue to play out in adulthood because throughout our childhood/teens, our tribe continues to validate this role for us. Eg I recall my parents used to refer to me as “their good girl” (and still do). This is why I grew to believe I’m a good girl, it was pretty embedded in my psych from around the age of 12.

Within my family, one of my brothers was always referred to as the “black sheep”. He is introvert and always wanted to do things away from the tribe (and still does). This role was constantly validated to him as a child as he was allowed to be left alone because he was “different”. In contrast my other brother was always referred to as the joker, the funny one in the family. And known to be true as an adult, and I love him dearly, but he is very irresponsible and never takes anything seriously.

Different Roles

Before I continue, let me share the different types of roles and common attributes associated with these roles. Some of the roles below come from both Sharon and Virginia’s work. Perhaps there is a role that is resonating with you?

  • Victim – always blaming others, it’s them or that, not me. Can be a non-logical thinker ie makes sense to them but no-one else.
  • Hero – a perfectionist and controlling. In a family the tribe looks up to this role, seeks their solutions and help. They are the go-to person. They can be quite egocentric.
  • Good girl/boy – people pleaser that says yes to everyone in fear of thinking what others think. Very over functioning and when life serves them lemons their resilience is low, resulting in them being under functioning.
  • Sick child – constantly sick and wanting attention. They have a low self-esteem and want to be loved. They can be quite anxious and needy.
  • Joker/mascot – everything is funny, takes no responsibility or accountability. Their environment is always the problem. Also quite egocentric.
  • Surrogate Spouse – “man/woman of the house”, steps in to fill the role of the partner missing. Can be too codependent on their spouse.
  • Carer – likes to rescue others constantly, controlling. Can deny personal needs as they prefer to put others needs first.
  • Black Sheep – rebel against the norm, avoid and seek uniqueness. Can be quite non-logical in their thinking as they build their wall against the world.

In our journey to heal and restore our I-Amness, resigning our role is a critical component. The work I do with my clients to help them reclaim their self-esteem so they can live a life at core, involves resigning their role. It’s the work I did with my coach and work I was trained to do by Sharon Pearson at the Coaching Institute.

When I work with my client to resign their role, we focus on deep inner world transformation that removes their crust, unpack the layers in their crud so that we can release their core. This work is truly transformational. I have experienced it and so do my clients. Our role can hinder our ability to get back to our core selves, our true selves. It is there to protect us, but at what cost?

Which leads my back to my 6.30am wake up call, the photo of my client’s TV and buffet unit. This metaphor for change is inspiring because as meaningless it may seem, I know that this client’s role of being a good girl has meant she has neglected her home, neglected mounting the TV on the wall for over a year of purchasing it, and neglected her from having furniture to make her home look nice. She is now shifting closer to her values, as she does value her home, safety and comfort, so these are symbols of her reconnecting with it.

Take Action

So in the context of your life and your business, ask yourself, what do you want more of in your life? For what purpose does this serve for you? What is holding you back? Where do you want your life and business to be? What role do you believe you may be? What attributes of this role are holding you back?

To be honest, exploring roles involves very detailed and deep coaching, which I can’t do right now. What I can offer is that you consider the questions I have just asked and get in touch if you want to change and move forward with life of purpose.

If you are interested to know more, please book a FREE 45-minute Strategy Call right now.

And remember, pondering is a good thing, because it makes us think. And when we think we open our conscious mind to be aware of what we must change.

Make change happen for you today and call me for a FREE chat.

And remember, you can also subscribe to my weekly Podcast, A Pondering Thing.

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